just being human..
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Torn between two evils. Or to be more consciously correct to myself, torn between two polar elements of life. Of course these have to be complex molecules full of many variables and volatile shifts. A personal lack of control shifting all aspects of my personal being mixed with a hostile unavoidable substance that sucks all the hard earned happiness out of my soul. Fuck my life? I want to say that but even more I want to fight against it. This one life we are “blessed” with is too preciously short to waste on negative biological beings that hinder us. Why falter you say? Because sadly our lives are intertwined with other human beings and it is part of our heart’s puzzle to pull them away from the situation as well.
Do some people deserve to die? Considering we’ve been killing everything else in our environment and are still confident we will reach our heavens, why don’t some other harmful pieces of DNA be eliminated as well? Simply because we consider these beings to be like ourselves we find it wrong? We are a few DNA shifts away from apes and plants for God’s sake. The variance that this useless creature walked the earth the way it did in stead of in the form of a cute cuddly tiger that we would love to shoot and wear it’s skin is enough justification right?
As for evil number one…why the hell would a god leave a person in a chemically altered state that takes intensive therapy to get out of? Why do we lose control of our actions sometimes? Addictions happen in all cracks of life and disorders, they keep developing and evolving to a point where God would lose control over what he created. Oh wait he’s supposed to be mysteriously perfect somehow and love us unconditionally yet cause us complex evolutionary pain. Wouldn’t we learn our lessons faster if everyone suffered from the same few discrepancies of physical and chemical pain? Why create all these random variables for people to spend half their years in denial about and then ponder the rest of their lives on how to get rid of.
What does it take? Is it like a perfectly balanced chemical equation involving environment, timing, maturity, knowledge, practice, people and situation? Do I need to take into account all these variables and try to match them for the right solution? I’ve never been too good at complex chemistry yet somehow failure and uncertainty about reaching this one life changing goal has never crossed my mind. Am I just denying it to myself and storing the failure in my stress-filled chakras? Should I rub some essential oils on myself and find new strength? Should I say fuck this life I’ve worked towards and start over completely?
I’ve always wanted to change my name. I could be anyone I wanted to be yet I would never recover those friendships and relationships that can only be developed from a young age. Would I miss it? Would I care? I don’t think it’s in my personality to run away. I stand and fight. Maybe the two evils will go away together? Oh the variables. Dilute me from my obstinate brain that is so resilient to manipulation. Give me some peace without taking away the thrill and zest of life. I’m not ready to be a full-time philosopher quite yet. I want to give in to primitive mindless self indulgences of ignorance. If it entertains me and teaches me something new I do not mind. But still a balance, a balance in everything. I want to melt my two conflicts into meaningless ones. Because after being burned and dealing with the pain you can’t complain that it’s too hot outside. The world needs the little negatives to help you stay focused and humble to the zen of positive existence.
How can we rely on others when our situations are so different? Yet how can we not? Building, exploring, reaching for the stars. I will never stop. I will always find my zen, even if it’s found in a random rant on a shitty laptop that keeps flickering at me. For now that is all…
